


boys mean bruises

by worryseed



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: I don’t know how else to tag this, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, the rest of svt aren’t main characters besides jeonghan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 16:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20799617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worryseed/pseuds/worryseed
Summary: Soonyoung has loved Chan since he was eighteen.





	boys mean bruises

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gosung](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gosung/gifts).

Soonyoung has loved Chan since he was eighteen. 

He didn’t call it _love_ back then, not exactly. But he knew, when Chan hugged him once and he couldn’t stop thinking about it for days after, lying awake and dreaming of getting to cuddle him and call him _his, Soonyoung’s,_ any time he wanted. Stumbling upon the thought of kissing him and blushing red in the dark.

He doesn’t think much of the feeling he gets in his tummy when Chan smiles at him, or laughs at a stupid joke he’s just told, just pretends it’ll go away and that it’s nothing, he’s just nervous for an upcoming performance or recording session.

He knows, way down inside, that it’s a crush, he just doesn’t want to call it something like that. He’s not in middle school anymore, fawning over the boy who knocks him into desks while calling him names he doesn’t want to repeat and steals his pens when he thinks Soonyoung can’t see him. He didn’t care that boys meant bruises then, and he doesn’t now. 

Not quite the same kind of bruises. He can’t see a scatter of blue and yellow on his body when he looks in the mirror anymore, but if he peers just a little deeper, his heart has become the canvas, Chan’s giggles and tears and everything in between the artist. 

He told Jeonghan about it once, tongue loosened by too many cups of something Seokmin had mixed on one of their rare nights off, tears slipping down his cheeks and over his lips, salty and familiar, as he sobbed into the older boy’s chest about how _it wouldn’t go away,_ how he just wanted to confess how he felt, how he wasn’t sure if Chan even liked boys.

Jeonghan had stopped him then, wiping his tears with his thumb as he stroked his hair.

“Soonyoung, I know it hurts to love from afar, but if you don’t say something eventually you’ll never get rid of that pain. You know Chan, he wouldn’t stop talking to you or anything like that,” he said, looking Soonyoung in the eye. “You can’t stay like this forever. You’ll start hurting more people than yourself.”

“I promise I’ll tell him, hyung, eventually.”

Jeonghan smiled in response, looking sad, then got up and went over to Joshua and Minghao, both laughing loudly over some unknown joke.  
Soonyoung inhaled the rest of his tears, draining a cup sitting on a ring-stained table next to him and wincing at the bitter aftertaste, doubled by heartache. 

He hasn’t quite kept his promise. Another year has gone by without a word to anyone, another year spent wishing he could just spit it out while he listens to Chan ramble about various topics at their favourite coffee house. 

He loves how Chan chews the ends of his straws and makes the cutest little noise after taking the first sip of his drink. He loves how Chan randomly grabs his hand while they walk, swinging their arms and letting his eyes crinkle into that smile of his, the one that reminds Soonyoung of a little kid’s, radiating enough energy to replace the sun three times over.

His favourite times with Chan are when the younger randomly shoves an earbud into Soonyoung’s ear, usually while they’re on their way to a schedule.

“I made you a new playlist!” he always says, beaming up at Soonyoung and leaning his head into his neck, humming contentedly along to whatever is playing. Sometimes they’re in English, words flowing along too fast for him to catch. Sometimes they’re love songs.

Soonyoung doesn’t think Chan knows just what that does to him, but he’s usually quick to hide the jumble of emotions that show on his face by shoving his nose into Chan’s hair and exhaling, making the black-haired boy giggle.

The newest songs all move slowly, like honey, rich and sweet. Chan tells him they’re old English love songs, written in the 1900’s. He’s taken a liking to them recently and wanted to show Soonyoung too.

Soonyoung would’ve kissed him right then and there if it hadn’t been for the manager in the car with them, along with a few of his members. 

Filming is over and he’s sprawled on the couch back in the dorms after telling everyone dramatically that he can’t move one more step and that he’s going to die right here, he decides to text Junhui something along the lines of what to do when the boy you like is showing you love songs and it’s making you feel really fuzzy inside but you can’t tell him that because he thinks you’re just friends. If he doesn’t get an answer fast, he’s gonna go nuts. Jun is always on his phone, so he has confidence.

Junhui texts back within a minute, saying that the boy probably likes him back because who the fuck shares earbuds and plays old love songs, of all things. _tell him you like him you incompetent gay,_he finishes.

_it’s not that easy…_ he replies, throwing his phone down and sighing.

It could be that easy, if his stupid brain would just let him get it out. He leans back, closing his eyes and letting reality wash over him. Chan probably didn’t mean anything by it. He was just excited about music and Soonyoung had to mess it all up with his dumb little crush.

_Not a crush,_ a tiny voice whispers in the back of his brain, raspy and insistent. _You love him, you’ve loved him since he was eighteen, and you know it._

Footsteps come up behind him, and he feels a weight cause the couch cushion beside him to dip down. He opens one eye slowly to see Chan, fidgeting with his sweater strings. He feels his heart pick up as he takes in the boy in front of him. He looks perfect, hair a little wild and his face glowing even without makeup on as he grins softly. Soonyoung wants to hug him, so he does, taking in the scent of what he can only describe as sleep, warm and safe.

“Soonie, I want to tell you something.” Chan whispers, tickling his ear with his breath.

“What’s up, Channie? You can talk to me about anything, you know that.” he breathes back, smiling into Chan’s shoulder.

Chan pulls away, looking down and swallowing, visibly nervous.

“Um… Soonie..., I love you. I’ve felt like this since I was eighteen but I didn’t know how to tell you back then and I waited too long so I told Jeonghan-hyung instead of you and I regret that so much so I tried to tell you today with the songs pleasejustsaysomething.” he rushes out, stuttering and flushing pink.

Soonyoung’s heart stops.

_Since I was eighteen._

“Chan…” he grins, opening his arms for the boy to burrow into. “I love you too. So much. Always have. Probably always will.”

Chan exhales, smiling up at him.

Soonyoung leans down and kisses him like he’s always dreamed of, as gently as he dares.

Soft and sweet, just like Chan.

“I told Jeonghan-hyung too!” he confesses, laughing. “I can’t believe he’s been keeping our secrets from each other for this long.”

Chan giggles too, that cute child’s laugh that matches his grin.

“We have a lot to thank him for, huh…”

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this edit](https://twitter.com/chanakgae/status/1175569054402338818?s=21)
> 
> i have not proofread this i am sorry if i have fucked up in any way D: 
> 
> anyway this is for liv my number one soonchan enthusiast i love u bae


End file.
